13 October 2010

Start

My memories begin in here, a Virtual Diary....one more time, it is confidential. I can guarantee that I’m privileged person, who have a different kind of memory of others who I know. They tells me that I have a photographic memory, if this is the case then; I was going to be successful with my studies (because I can memorise answers).

I was chosen with a perfect memory to remember in details the facts that happened long time ago, and to recognise people who I didn’t have contact for a long time.

I never looked for an answer about this, but I remember some events that even my parents sometimes get scared. When I was four years old I went to a playground with my friend Pamela. She was wearing “lambada” and Xuxa’s boots, the boots that I’ve always wanted. This happened probably in July-September, by judging how cold it was, there were only few people in the street (I was wearing jeans and brown boots). Another important detail, I won Xuxa’s boots a bit later as a birthday gift, which was on October. Ah good memories.

For me sometimes, those memories can be bad because it is not that important to remember all the details, but these reflections gives me a type of pleasure.

I was very happy when Betty chose me to participate in this work. I write dairies since ten years old but I won’t write everything in her, that’s for sure!

One thing I am sure; participating in this project is a therapy with no price. Well, this was only a little introduction.

14 October 2010

Second Day

My grandmother is in hospital with brain Tumour since Tuesday. The doctors said that there isn’t any chance to save her. She is 84 years old. 

Yesterday I was at home imagining about something bad that would happen and it did. Today I’m working and the anguish just took over. We don’t have any news and we can’t do anything. Two days before no one didn’t know about the Tumour, and now, it will kill her. At least she didn’t suffer and she doesn’t feel bad now.

In this moment, at work, I’m analysing blogs and listening “pagode” (type or Brazilian music) against my will.

I wish I could talk to my best friend, but she is in Belgium and she doesn’t talk to me more than one month and a half ago, which is rarely and this is a little despair.

High School

Julia and I, we met in the second year at high school. Initially, she got my attention because of her different look, colourful hair accessories and the short black curly hair, short like men hair. For me she was an enigma, but I didn’t give any importance to that at first.

During the year 2004, we weren’t great friends. We had different ways. We used to draw but in different styles and we fought between each other to get friend’s approval.

I like to draw delicate faces, in especial, I like to draw bride dresses. Julia likes tattoo, exotics animals and futurist draws, most of them very colourful. Our art was shown to friends and teachers, and the preference was divided by the person’s taste. 

We both had unhappy stories related to the school life. We had been through humiliating situations that further in our relationship we discovered was similar. But her experience of life doesn’t compare or match with mine.      

When she was thirteen, Julia saw her dad, who was  a drug addict and had mental issues, jumped from the fifth floor window and died laughing. She unconsciously blocked herself in making new friends. After, she was aggressive with the way she looked, with the main intention in keeping people away from her (she told me that). She used to wear everything that made her happy, independently if they matched or if people would approve. She even cut her big hair to express herself, or to change, I didn’t know for sure the right reason.

Through my life experience (very insignificant comparing to her) I always wanted people near me. The more friends I had the better I felt. I believe that all of them were true and eternal.

But going back... the year passed by and our competition in art lost the fun and without noticing, we became closer.

It was the last year of the high school, we created a group called “Banda Podre” (the rotten gang). It was me, Julia, Paula, Juliana, Ricardo, Douglas, Julio, Diogo, Renato (Saddam) and Helder. The idea of enjoying ourselves being irresponsible students while staying together was the most important thing for us.

It was the first time in my life that I truly had a group of friends, they were there when I needed them. I love them all in the same way, like a mother loves her children, but Julia was the person that I was closer. Our conversations never got boring or even ended. She was and she is my best friend. She had an unique way of expressing herself and made me to see life in a beautiful way, the beauty of someone who lost a lot in her life, and even like this she is able to love and be happy.

In this year I had a boyfriend, Fernando, and she had a boyfriend too, Pedro and he was the inspector of the school. He had twenty-three years old and he was very intolerant. We spent hours talking about our boyfriends and her advices were the best that I ever had.

When the year finished, we had a “goodbye party”, but the feeling that we were going to see each other anyway. If we didn’t study together, we were going to see each other every day. 

Julia’s mother had a Belgian boyfriend called George, they were together for five years. They met at a Copacabana event and two times in a year, they travelled during one month around the country that they came from. It is incredible when some of things that we feel or say doesn’t make sense in the moment, but later, they are essential in deciding which road to take.

During the “goodbye” period last year of the last year of school, in one of the millions words that we said for each other, I remember to be crying like a crazy girl, hugged by Julia “We are going to be friends, aren’t we ? Even if you mother get marriage and you become Belgian (joking)?” She said “You are crazy; I’m not going anywhere. Our life is just beginning, is not a “goodbye” for real, it is just a way for everybody to cry and be ridiculous!”

University

In my first semester in 2006, I started a Journalism course at UNIPLI University, in Niteroi city. As we agreed during the vacation, Julia began at UNIPLI too, going for the Architecture course.

The first year of University was terrible for me. All the nightmare of having fake and not friendly people was back, and the nostalgia of my lovely “Banda Podre” group strongly grow that I lost the control. I wasn’t ready for it......I wish I could be back, I wish we were all together again. I felt Julia was far from me, but I realised that I was wrong.

During the vacation she broke up with Pedro, her boyfriend, and in the Carnival I broke up with mine. I realised how much different we were....

She wanted someone that she could rely on, and I just want to enjoy the moment in the University. Our conversation changed but her advices didn’t. Most of the time I saw Julia as a mother, always there to listen and to give advices, even if her point of view was a little old for her age.

17 October 2010

Death Note

My grandmother died today. We went to the cemetery today in the afternoon. I’m feeling bad and strange, but sincerely, I don’t want to talk about it....I need to let the time pass by and release the pain. I truly feel like this....I need to sleep now!

28 October 2010

Routine

I work with internet, especially with social media. I observe and created content of enterprise’s clients for Twitter, Orkut, Facebook and Yahoo answers. When I feel bored I stay hours reading Tweets and searching for good photos at Orkut. Generally, I like to see photos of trips from my friends. I feel happy and hoping one day I could do the same.

Most of my friends dream of a beautiful marriage and beautiful and polite children. But since I was young, I always dream to get to know the world, not that I don’t want to get married, but I think that if I travel and later get married I will be happy, but if it’s the opposite I think I will miss something to complete me.

When I get stressed with work I search for prices of air tickets, hotels and touristic places most of them in Argentine and Belgium.

At home I rarely I surf in the internet, I prefer to watch a good television program, movie or read books of thrillers ( Agatha Christie is my favourite).

This made me remember that I have to update my Orkut with new photos, reply some friends at Facebook (I almost don’t use it) and to update my blog, this made me very happy. Ah! And now the drop.


Julia-to Belgium            

In the final year of the first semester of the University, I was having problems with adjusting and Julia was the only person that I could rely on.

To summarise the history and pass for the documental part, on June she told me that her mother will get married and they will move. I cried a lot.

Most of friendships finishes by an agreement of both. The contact between each other gets cold and they move away from each other without feeling the pain.

Myself and the whole group felt very much, it wasn’t the time for her to leave. At least it was our selfish way of seeing it. I think that maybe if she were still here we wouldn’t be very close anyway. But anyway, the first contact I had with her after the trip was very emotional (phone, letters and emails) and to re-read them makes me remember the pain that I felt when she left.

Begin of the year

Julia moved to Belgium in Sunday, 03/12/2006. There was an email sent by her in 18/01/2007, replying my email which I was telling what happened in the beginning of the year.

“Well....let me see in which part I will begin...I think that I’m very happy and proud to see the way that you speak about Everton!! Very happy....but I don’t understand why you think that Ana Elisa is boring...maybe in the next email you can explain.....laugh.....but anyway....

My life here it’s different that it used to be....I’m full of rules that doesn’t ever stop.....and I’m experiencing limited intolerance from George.

What truly happen is that I always live my life the way that I want.......my mother always respect my wishes.... (I need to say, of course, that isn’t 100% good, as you can see through my school grades......laugh.....but this is not the case) and have someone to tell me what to do, when and how to do it make me feel very angry most of the time!!!! But the worse is that I need to disguise the angriness and give a smile!!!!!

I can’t make my mother life become a hell again......she doesn’t deserve it. But I swear that it’s a physical strength that I do to don’t start a fight with him......you know me and I think you can image how difficult this is for me...laugh.

But forgetting the boring part......I’ll try to make a detailed description as much as possible of my life to you.....

MY HOUSE: The ground floor is in refurbishment.....it has some part which are undone (two months or three to finish) the hot water is just in the kitchen, this mean the bath is in another house......laugh.....the heating is still electric...but the central heating will come in the next week.....Internet together with the telephone and the digital television that George wants so much will come on 08/02....no one deserve this!!!!!!Laugh.....the front of my house it’s a little scary if you considered that was build in 1906, it is in good condition...laugh...I think that I live in a historic place.....laugh.

STUDIES: I think that its my favourite part.....laugh… on the 22nd will the applications will be available at the University. It’s the most famous University in Belgium and the fifth older in the world.....(I’m saying that because they say this every time.....laugh..... It was created in 1425 older than our country.....laugh.....)

I’ll star my first year of the Dutch course.....and after six months I’ll be ready to do my Architecture course together with the Engineering course....that is very unsuitable for me.......laugh.....but George told me that there are courses outside the University in relation to designing houses..... which is what I was doing in Brazil........

To arrive at the University you need to take the buss and when you arrive at the train station you get the train and it takes one hour to get to the university.....because it is an University city car traffic is forbidden.....I’ll need to learn how to ride a bicycle.....laugh.....hum let me see....after the Dutch course I’ll need to start the French course.....but this is for the future

Well, my social life is not much fun at all....I know little people outside the family....but I think I’ll make more friends when I start to study....laugh...and get a boyfriend, who knows....laugh.....

I still don’t travel outside the country....but.....I crossed the frontier with Holland, drank some hot chocolate and came back home....laugh....I’ll go out when Elaine arrives......

I think this is enough...laugh

Big kiss for you!!!!

I miss you a lot!!!!!

One day we’ll communicate via Messenger

Bye friend, love you

Julia       



Wednesday, 17 November 2010.

Will this works?

I am very excited to be part of this project. We already had a 'down' side, as my former boss used to say when someone would call sick, or something went wrong. I hope that this project continues and that I am able to keep things up to date to make this really cool.

The day could have 36 hours and the weekends could have 4 days long. But as they don't, I have to go... work is waiting for me.

 

Sunday, 21 of November 2010.

Accounts in 3, 2, 1...

Today I finally did the test from the Enade, something extremely useless that made me wait more than a year to require my diploma and to try my journalist registration.

I get stressed out to know that I have no time... and that things only get worse because I can't sleep early recently.

I love when people interact with me through twitter. A lot of the things I write are indirect or even written for wickedness to people that I relate to, and I permit myself to feel this sensation of teenage 'competition' in search of attention or even compliments, even if they are fake.

I love the place I work for, I affirm categorically that I never worked in anywhere better than this. The bad side is the salary, which is never good enough to nobody (fact!).

I have worked in an agency that works for another company, which sells beauty products. On September of this year, I went through a very uncomfortable situation because of my colleagues. I didn't feel like this since the times of school.

I don't give a minimum to what the people think about me, and I have already acknowledged that this disturbs some people. The majority of people normally exclude or treat in an inferior way people with 'lower' jobs. I can use the case of Maria that works with the cleaning area of the company I work with. She is 20 years old and she is a single mum. Popularly speaking, she comes from the style 'blonde slum dweller'. She always uses vulgar words and she dresses vulgarly. In the contrary of how other people judges her and make distance from her, I pity her and see through her that a lot of her dreams will never be real because of the mistakes she made in the past.

Who am I to judge? I wasn't born in a slum and did not grow up in a poor ambient. Also, I don't consider myself a person with money to spend without thinking. Myself and my family have the sufficient to live well, with comfort and privileges. But I always think that I could have been born in the periphery and had my life destroyed when I was 20 years old, and just like this girl that I feel sympathy for. I choose to exclude myself from the VIPs groups and decided to have lunch with the outside table, together with Maria.

This was reason for jokes.

Not only that, three girls (30 year olds) in special mobilised a group to offend me with offensive nick names and observing my ways, waiting for any slip of mine to criticise me and laugh behind my back. Because of Maria, I acknowledged that they started to call me "The Fat", they even said that I ' eat like the pigs', an offensive call that was an indirect to herself.

The worst about this situation is that they treat me wonderfully good when they are around me.

Everyday I thank God for everything that happened to me, exactly at the end of September this year. It was my motivation: I lost 9 kilos; I started to run 6km every night with my cousin. (another reason to have less and less time). And I was promoted, and took the job of one of them, who was transferred through a very boring department.

 

Monday, 22 of November of 2010

A remembrance


I felt the need to share this video. (*video deleted) It was filmed about 5 years ago in the balcony of my house. This i Fernando when he was 19 years old. And myself, at 17. I found the video just a few minutes ago, when I was searching for music in a backup folder. While watching this, immediately it came into my mind the idea of posting here. Seeing this images made me feel my heart being pressed. A mixture of good nostalgia with relief, I can't explain. I see how the look of my balcony has changed and how the things around us didn’t bother at all. If it was today, I was going mad organising things before my boyfriend arrives.

Who filmed this was my brother. It made me very happy to watch Fernando's expression once he noticed he was being filmed. I was pulling his cuticles, thing that I always wanted to do, and he never had let me. I don't remember how I convince him to let me. But I did.

I loved him a lot.

Sensations of the day

When I am online I normally stay on twitter, orkut and playing Tribal Wars, an online game I play since December. I am used to see tweets about tips on beauty, trips and technology articles.

In Orkut, I like to search travel pictures and beautiful clothes. Doesn't matter which orkut account belongs to. Lately I have been seeing a lot of wedding photos... and I love this!

The people I normally look for depend in the time I am going through. I love to look (nosing around). I always nose around my ex-boyfriends orkuts profiles. To know how they are, if they are dating, what they are doing, which company they are working for. Nothing that influences in my actual life.

For an example, not too long ago I found out that my last ex-boyfriend is going to be a father. With a girl that dated him for more or less 2 years, but they ended their relationship. I believe that she wanted to and did it on purpose (I forgot the pill kind of thing). The thing is that, according to the mother of the child, he left her with 6 months of pregnancy and is dating another girl. Another day I will tell better this situation, but the mother of the child talks to me by msn and tells me everything that happens. I am very curious to know more about this crazy story.

Even though, I believe that he was already dating the other girl for longer than 1 year and that this pregnancy was one big cheating.

I am still following this soap opera.

I always nose around, I feel a mixture of weird sensations, like if it is good and bad at the same time, to know that she was left alone and that she had what she deserved, and for the other side from the child, who is innocent in the story, is not going to have a present father.

Besides they, I nose around Orkut and Twitter from 2 other girls. But... they do not work with me and because I thought about using pseudonymous, I do not think is a good idea to explain their profiles or something like that. I would like to participate with more resources …. if it is totally secure, I believe that it won't be problem to post a photo.

Anyway, I prefer to talk to Betty before

Tuesday, 23rd of November of 2010.

Today’s gossip


Today, between my nosing around of the day there was Susan. She was my neighbour, but now she lives in the North Zone of Rio de Janeiro. I cannot believe she is so campy and with the image of her boyfriend. Specially, with her ‘natural’ blonde hair. I always nose around because in any way, I feel better seeing her terrible situation and how ‘happy’ she founds herself. How can anyone feel proud to show these photos. She was very pretty and sweet, now, she looks like a bitch from Lapa.

We were friends, but this is now changed. We are not enemies. I fell sorry, not only because of her looks, but also because of the life style that both live at the moment. Well, I feel happy when I see those photos. I love my boyfriend more.


Wednesday 1st of December 2010

Remembrances X dating anniversary

You know what I used to like the most of my relationship with Fernando? His capacity of always surprising me. Every month, in the day of our month’s anniversary, he used to bring me presents, even small things. I always used to receive flowers; I used to love this part. It was happening always and for no reason.

I feel frustrated sometime, because I always wait for a surprise from Marcel, like some flowers, for an example. He knows I love to receive flowers, but he never gives it to me. The only time that he did, I prefer not to even say, but it was after a terrible fight we had with each other.

The last time I spoke with Fernando it was this week, we talked for not too long and we maintain a virtual friendly relationship. It is notable that I keep those memories with much more care than he does, that what it seems, he makes sure to keep those buried very deeply.
But I don’t care. I like to remember everything. Even about the pains, it doesn’t hurt me anymore, I only understand the way that I live today. I can even risk saying that this is good.
Today (03/12), it’s our 3 years anniversary, with Marcel. We started dating at exactly 00h16 a.m.

It is around 00h30 and I am still looking at my mobile phone, waiting for it to ring or waiting for a text message that, if it comes, will be only out of compromise.
I am going to work well dressed waiting for a bouquet of roses to come, but it didn’t...it happened on the day of my birthday... I just waited! And I don’t even know why I am still thinking of waiting. Is not going to happen and I am going to write about this in here.

It is weird to compare Marcel with Fernando, but sometimes is inevitable. So, I try to see the good side of this. And to wait, well the day hasn’t even started yet...



Friday 10th of December of 2010.

Crises and virtual relationships

For about two weeks I had a few problem with Marcel, things related in feeling bored and the routine of our relationship. Out of nowhere a guy that I was very interested during Secondary Education suddenly re-appeared in the msn and started to flirt with me. I felt a bit head over heels and confused, wishing to meet and go out with him. If this was because of curiosity, because it was something new, or for purely feeling lonely, I can’t tell, but every tipped word was making me feel so much better.

The more interesting is that, the days that the guy didn’t connected in the msn, I was feeling very nervous, anxious and crazy to talk to him. It made me remember the beginning of my relationship with Marcel (I met Marcel during the uol chat since 2003 or 2004!). Until 2007 we were only rarely taking through msn. Since September 2007, I started to stay all early mornings talking to him, and I have most of those chats saved until today. I have never stopped to think on how much my life would have been different if it wasn’t because of the web and those interactive relationships. I am sure that I would not have lived a lot of things I did.

I will post here our first chat, when we recognised each other and when the flirtation started.


         *++*            diz:

Oi

                   diz:

Oie

                   diz:

Fala aí

                   diz:

Beleza?

         *++*            diz:

blz e vc

                    diz:

Tranquilidade

                  diz:

;D

                    diz:

Qual foi a boa do final de semana?

         *++*            diz:

hum, niver do meu mano e vc

                    diz:

Sexta Lapa

Sabado Tradição

                   diz:

E só

         *++*            diz:

qtd anos tem

                    diz:

22

                   diz:

Tu não mora em Niterói?

         *++*            diz:

sim

                    diz:

Pow

                    diz:

Tu me conheçe

         V           diz:

Hauhauhauha

                    diz:

Ou melhor

                    diz:

Só de MSN claro

         *++*            diz:

sim, vc naum eh estranho...mas, já tem mto tempo q naum tc naum eh

                    diz:

Bastante

         *++*            diz:

vc mora onde

                    diz:

No Rio de Janeiro

                   diz:

Por essas bandas

         *++*            diz:

eu to reconhecendo seus olhos azuis...

         *++*            diz:

mas vc tá diferente

         *++*            diz:

é vc q gosta de rock

                   diz:

Mais véio

                   diz:

Heya

                    diz:

Sim

                    diz:

São verdes

         *++*            diz:

foi mal

         *++*            diz:

mas e aew, o q tem feito de bom

                   diz:

Trabalhando que nem um louco

                    diz:

E vc?

                    diz:

Namorando ainda?

         *++*            diz:

eu só facul...

         *++*            diz:

namorando....nossa...terminei vai fazer dois anos

                   diz:

Caramba

                    diz:

Solterrissima?

         *++*            diz:

sim

         *++*            diz:

to mais pra encalhada...

                    diz:

Ah la vem o doce

         *++*            diz:


                   diz:

Pow me passa seu orkut ae

                    diz:

Eu devo ter perdido

         *++*            diz:

ah ok

         *++*            diz:

aew

         *++*            diz:

http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=125410491095656793

                    diz:

Adicionei ;P

         *++*            diz:


         ìŋì           diz:

Te conheço de longa data

         *++*            diz:

eu to lembrando de vc sim

         *++*            diz:

acho q eu tinha 16 anos né

                   diz:

Ta com 18?

         *++*            diz:

19

         *+*            diz:

faço 20 mês q vem

                   diz:

Eu te chamava de Pitty

         *++*            diz:

aaaaaaaaaa

         *++*            diz:

carambaa

         *++*            diz:


                   diz:

Hauahuahaha

         *++*            diz:

tá mto ocupado

                    diz:

Não muito

         *++*            diz:

vc tá namorando

                   diz:

Eu? nada

                    diz:

Solteiro

                    diz:

;P

/

         *++*            diz:

e aquela menina...num era vc q era apaixonadíssimo

                   diz:

Que menina?

         *++*            diz:

naum lembro mto bem, mas uma q vc amava

         *++*            diz:

era vc sim

                    diz:

Eu AMAVA

                    diz:

Hoje em dia os tempos mudaram

                   diz:

Falou certo

         V           diz:

Agora to solteiro

                    diz:

;P

         *++*            diz:

é msm....eu antes tb naum conseguia ficar sozinha...

         *++*            diz:

olha agora...minha tia ontem me perguntou: ", vc solteira tanto tempo, o q tá acontecendo"

                    diz:

Gatinha desse jeito deve ser uma milagre mesmo

                    diz:

Mais hoje em dia depende

                   diz:

Eu tinha muitas dores de cabeça

                   diz:

Ultimamente eu prefiro ficar por ae

                    diz:

Mais não sei o dia de amanhça

                    diz:

Vai que brota alguém

                    diz:

E tal

                    diz:

Nunca se sabe

         *++*            diz:

eh msm...eu tbm, meio q enjoei de namorar...

         *++*            diz:

mas a parada é q eu naum gosto mto de rodar mão em mão

         *++*            diz:

entaum fico na minha, se pintar alguem q vale a pena, blz...

         *++*            diz:

fora , to fora!!

         *++*            diz:


                    diz:

Rodar de mão em mão é foda

         *++*            diz:

é msm, super sem graça

         *++*            diz:

vc bjar um monte, depois nem lembrar o gosto...fala serio

         *+*            diz:

bem melhor dormir pensando num só

                 diz:

Pera ai qui eu ja volto

         *++*            diz:

ok

To read this again made me cry! It is a sensation of ‘missing’ someone and gratitude, at the same time I ask myself if I made a mistake in anything. Reading this now I see how his ‘talk’ was a bit silly. But... I guess it had to be. I feel emotional about this, or as Marcel says “Emei” (personal expression)!

Thursday 13th of January of 2011

Engagement and other things

Marcel surprised me, I swear I NEVER expected for such a surprise.

I am engaged.

The fights are getting more frequent. He is exercising and getting fitter (in my point of view) and I started to gain weight.

I feel now it’s time to sort this out...

(...)

Fernando’s daughter will be born on March. He is still dating that other girl. I didn’t have any other contact with anyone.

(...)

I feel lost in relation to my plans. I really wanted to do a Masters course, and I will try to be accepted. But the discouragement had taken over me. I wanted to do a MBA in Digital Marketing, or any other thing related to digital media, which is the area I am working at the moment. I fell in love with this, but I still have such a low salary. I need stability and money. I need lots of money. My father lost the job and some of my plans are falling apart. What to do?


Wednesday 26th of January of 2011

Luiza

I am only going to post this video, in the next post I will talk about Luiza, my friend of 100 years that became a complete stranger in the last few months. I was only 18 years old when we filmed this video. It was at an abandoned farm that was located next to Luiza’s house, or Luli, how I used to call her. The children were relative of hers.

I feel my heart very tight when I see this video.

Luiza is wearing a white vest.












Small Talk

Lately I have been addicted in playing Tribal Wars and posting in my new blog. I confess that this has been distracting me from my professional job. I have been sleeping very late in the evening every day and feel tired in the majority of times.

Few weeks ago I decided that I am going to course a pos-graduation course in Digital Makreting Strategy, while I continue to try to enter the master’s course. Hard decision, I hope I did the right one.

I have bracers now. I have joined a gym.

I feel very tired... I accepted to do too much at the same time. I feel exhausted and discouraged with everything.

In this week I didn’t feel like going to the church, to the course, to the gym. I hope things get better soon. I don’t feel like posting any photos now. Next time I will.